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It's Gonna Be a Long Ride
Holly Krause

Coffee. Even with an armload of books covering up the mere slits of her eyes, Angelica knew coffee. The heady beans of energy, tempered by the swirling patience of steam, reminded the impressionable seventeen-and-a-half-year-old of her own yin-yang state.

"Whew!" Angelica exhaled, stumbling past the counter full of nutmeg and vanilla, finally reaching a wooden bistro. "Okay." Time to sift through my books. Time to understand my college applications. Time to find the meaning of life. Time to do my astronomy homework. Time to find the perfect script. Time to practice my new verse. Time to find-

"Here I am!" Miss Chantal looked too perky. But what was too perky, really?

Angelica sighed a breath of relief as Miss Chantal blew her own hair out of her face, curls flying, cigarettes tumbling out of her purse haphazardly.

Everything's gonna be all right, Angelica began to chant silently, watching Miss Chantal settle in. A year means nothing. Everything will be exactly the same.

Angelica had heard that mantras were like self-fulfilling prophecies; if she wanted her estranged mentor to be everything she needed, her mentor would be.

"So, girl!" What's been going on since I last saw you?"

Okay, Angelica thought. It's only a question ... simple enough to answer.

"What's been going on? Lots of things ... lots of things. School's going well .. . really well. I can't wait for it to be over, though. I can't wait for college," the girl replied. But what she really wanted to say is, "Where the hell have you been this past year? If you'd returned any of the thousand phone calls I ran up my parents' bill with, you'd know 'what's going on.' You'd know I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'd really like to find out... and that sometimes I feel so guilty I just wanna know why...know that I'm like the rest of the world...but not….and how all I wanna do sometimes is just write and scream even though I have this sinking feeling that I've got nothing to say. That's what's been going on."

But a year's a long time, and Miss Chantal had gotten out of practice with reading Angelica's mind.

"That's great, honey!" gushed the hypersensitive, yet somehow unperceptive twenty-six year old drama coach.

Suddenly Angelica cracked. She knew the appropriate response: smile and nod, be grateful for the encouragement. Maybe at that moment, Angelica saw effervescence as an easier-to-swallow version of pressure. Angelica did not need pressure. Maybe she had finally gotten sick of being condescended to by supportive adults who made the time to act like role models when it was convenient but really didn't give a damn about where anybody's life was headed. Angelica ran out of the coffee shop, knocking into chairs, accidentally hitting the elbows of other caffeinated patrons with the overweight books she carried in her arms.
People stared.

Miss Chantal tried to smile. Nobody likes to be embarrassed.

As Angelica fumbled with her keys out in the parking lot, all she could think about were the Self-Defense videos she'd seen warning her not to park next to vans. I'm next to a van and I don't even have my keys in the car door yet, let alone wedged between my knuckles anyone could kill me anyone could kill me anyone could kill me...

After her obligatory neurosis session ended, Angelica got in the driver's seat, locked the doors tighttighttighttight and adjusted the decibel level on the radio to just above thinking range. Sometimes Angelica had to turn up the volume when she drove. Loud. Heavy. Pounding. Unafraid and unashamed. Even Avril Lavigne couldn't shake Angelica's nagging insecurity after the incident at the coffee shop.

I can't believe I ran out on Miss Chantal. Her conscience wasn't about to let her off the hook. "You did what you had to do. You two weren't going to have any kind of rational discussion today anyway. All she's interested in is praising you enough so that you leave her alone," countered the girl's brain. But she was my role model...I trusted her...I couldn't wait to see her...I wasn't fair AT ALL... "So? Why treat her any differently than you treat the rest of the people who mean anything to you?"

Angelica was heading somewhere fast, but as she read the signs, they looked eerily unfamiliar.
Angelica screeched to a halt. It was time for a U-turn; she didn't care if they were illegal.